hello.

just wanted to say that i love being home. a lot. my family is the best. ever.

but i miss him... a lot. it's not fun being apart, that's for sure. i don't want to be mushy gushy, but i'm just being honest. i don't know what else to say, so if you want to know, ask me.

i think i'm working through a lot of things. things that should've been worked through months ago... but i was and am scared to think about them, delve into myself and understand why i feel and think the way i do, especially the ways in which i've felt and thought lately.

i'm trying to trust God. with everything. there are so many changes coming up in my life... it's scary. and so exciting. i'm torn in different directions... but trying to trust God with all of it, completely.

oh, i just love to read. i've read three books since i've been home, and i'm about to devour another. i'm already making a (huge) list of books to read after i graduate!

i'm going to try to stop and see the beauty in everything and everyone tomorrow. yes.

dance.

I just miss swing-dancing.

That's all.

cleaning spree.

i just went on the first cleaning spree of my life. i think it was a mixture between the darkening sky, the impending snowstorm, over the rhine station on pandora, and the lack of desire to get homework done. the house smells good now, at least. and the bathroom is clean!

i love having a sort-of-family here in colorado. i love being in college and living with people my own age, but it's nice to spend the night in a home, with parents. to eat real food and do family activities. i'm appreciating it more and more as the months go on.

one more week of the second-to-last semester of college. wow. i love people here... but i'm ready to be done with ccu. i'm ready to go into the real world, and stop having my faith fed to me. it makes me want to puke it back up again... and that i have. let me OWN it!

we have a tiny fake christmas tree here... i love the christmas season. but it's hard that i'm so busy right up until christmas... because i wish i could stop and think. think and be and talk to God about it. instead of getting force-fed american consumerism in the christmas season... not to be trite, but that's not what it's about.

oh, how i'm learning. lots of things. how i relate to the world and those around me.

his mom said that if i was a color, i'd be sunny yellow. mm. and he'd be electric blue. ha! true that.

ps: the flobots. good stuff. i was going to post some lyrics from a song from their album 'fight with tools', but i couldn't choose one song. so visit their website, listen to the tracks, read the lyrics... www.flobots.com. yeah denver band!

i have to say, i'm really glad that it's the weekend. it's a beautiful day!

i love drinking coffee and talking with people about things that we share and love...

i'll be home in eight days. with david. i'm so excited!

almost all that's left is finals. no big deal, really. i've stopped caring at this point, i guess. oh well.

this has been a hard semester. i'm ready to leave it behind and finish college! i'm terrified and ecstatic for what comes next...

i want to sleep a lot on break. and read real books. and talk to people... and go to every coffee shop that i can find. and prepare for next semester... last one of college!

this week has been so good. one morning i woke up and decided to choose joy... and it's made such a difference. i have a long way to go, but i feel like myself. happy and crazy. it's been snowing, and i do love the snow... it means it's finally christmastime. i'll be sad to be away from here for christmas, but happy to be home at the same time.

we've been having so many adventures lately. cutting down trees from forests in the middle of the night (one tree, and it was legal. don't worry), chili's for brunch with free money, apartments, tuxes (i love men's wearhouse. weird), snow, driving, watching wall-e (love it!)... everything.

i got an A on that huge research paper. i'm pretty proud of it... weird, but because i've never been that great in school, it's a big deal when i find something that i'm good at and i love.

i love my roommates. curls in the morning, sugar + peanut butter under the couch (don't love that, actually), crazy everything.

i'm off to watch 'a white christmas'. and i'm so thrilled to see what the future holds!

home.

if home is where the heart is then my home is where you are...

just sayin'.

but anyways, i'm at home in california, and it's good. it's nice to get a break, see my family and friends and get to catch up on everyone's life. but though this place is so familiar, and it's where i grew up and where so many people that i love are... colorado is my home now. the home i have chosen for myself, to live.

i can't wait to get back to my house and roommates and david and snow... all i want to do is ice-skate in the snow. and drink tea while watching the snow fall. (school? work? no thanks.)

today i finished my research paper. it's like my baby... despite the fact that even bound, it is laying on the floor. but i'll turn it in tomorrow... probably the best paper i've ever written.

i want to go to guatemala. perhaps i'll flee this place (on may 10, 2009) and go there. i'll perfect my spanish, play with children, learn about their culture, battle corruption... all the things i love to do.

today, because i finished my research paper, i took myself out to dinner. i got myself a book from the library and took myself to atlanta bread, where i sat in a booth for an hour. it was delightful.

i like simple things like that. simple, yet out of the ordinary. stir up my life.

i'm looking forward to going home. maybe it will balance me out again... though i do feel so much more like myself than last week and the week before, i'm still wrestling. maybe the california air will clear my senses and i'll breathe again.

it's my fourth real winter, and i'm still absolutely delighted at the first snowfall. it's late this year, but finally here!

i love snow. i could sit inside all day and watch it falling. good thing i have someone to watch it with me this year!

since my roommate grabbed the shower before i did, i thought i'd write on here. again.

yesterday was a tough day. because of all the stuff about sam and uganda, i didn't have time to really eat breakfast or have my morning coffee (which, thanks to my apparently addictive nature, i have become addicted to), i had a pounding headache all day that wouldn't go away with the help of ibuprofen. a headache and the loss of hope in humanity is not a good way to spend a day.

but, after talking and praying with some of the girls from the team, i felt better. and then a simple hug from the only man for me, i felt even better and slept soundly, without dreams.

how amazing is that while he and i have these weird jokes and sayings from that far-off place, we can also process and share joys and heartbreaks together? though it's true that he doesn't react nearly the same as i do, he still understands without me having to explain anything to him. (people don't understand how we talk to each other sometimes... just know that we're not being rude, we're being ugandan. ha.)

i talked to his sister's boyfriend last night, and felt so lucky to have david here with me. however much i'm sad when he goes away for the weekend, he comes back to me. and though we'll be apart for a week soon and two weeks soon after that, we get to come back here and be together and after that, who knows when we'll have to be apart again?

patience. that's what i learn all the time.

the yellow leaves are falling outside, and maybe the smell that invades my senses when i step out of the door is fall again. it's november 4 (election day! finally, it's over.) and it still hasn't snowed. i love the seasons. i can't wait for the beginning of each.

africa.

i feel like someone just died. and in a sense, he did. my view of him did. the man that joked with us, lead us in bible studies every morning, took care of us, gave us advice, and loved us... isn't who we thought he was.

www.dorcaschildrenshome.blogspot.com

is there anywhere in africa that isn't corrupt? i'm discouraged...

i'm discouraged for myself and the fact that i know even less what i want to do with my life. i can't handle the corruption and sadness and hopelessness of africa...
i'm discouraged for ash and the fact that her trip that she was planning to take back to dorcas (uganda) this summer has fallen apart with a simple email.
i'm SO discouraged for chris and kami. they gave so much of themselves to this home and those boys...
i'm so sad and discouraged for the girls (and boys) at dorcas. what are they going to do?

i don't understand. i'm mad and i'm sad and i feel like i've just lost someone. and i have.

malaria.

i can't believe i'm writing about class. environmental science class, at that. but here goes.



malaria.



do you know joyce and benjamin? sam? beatrice? rachel's sister (can't remember her name...)? they all had malaria when i met them, or contracted it when i was with them. and i didn't get it. because i took doxycicline that my parents paid for, a mosquito net (kindly provided to me, while the kids i was living with had nothing), and bug spray. (crazy strong bug-spray that i buried in my drawer because it is too powerful and it scares me)



but joyce... for some reason, all during class today, as we were talking about ddt and malaria, i couldn't get joyce and her son benjamin out of my head.



joyce. she's a mother of two children, beautiful children. she is educated and speaks great english. and lives in an idp camp. has lived there for five years. that's too long once the war has ended and most of the camp has left. her eyes pleaded with me, as i looked like (and am) a wealthy muzungu (white person). i asked her name and tried to make conversation. she was holding benjamin... i asked her how many children she had. she said "two". and i asked what the little one in her arms was called and how old he was. she answered "his name is benjamin. he's one... but he has malaria". the little boy didn't even look at me, just laid his head down on his mama's shoulder and sighed.



benjamin has probably already died. his mother had no money to bring him to the hospital, and no money for the anti-malarial drugs that he needed. so this relatively educated woman, forced to live in an idp (internally displaced persons) camp, lost her baby boy to malaria. malaria is treatable... with medicine. and if ddt hadn't been banned in the 1960s, benjamin may have lived. malaria may not have been a problem.



it took 25 years for us to completely eradicate malaria in the united states and other more developed nations. the millions of deaths per year could be just a distant memory if only we would care more about humans than we do about birds. (the reason ddt was banned was because people thought that birds' eggshells were thinning because of the pesticide and those baby birds were consequently dying).



i do think that we have a responsibility to care for creation... exercise stewardship over the totality of creation. but i honestly believe that a human life should come before the thinning of the eggshells of peregrine falcons.



this is good, what the world health organization is doing. but no changes have really been made, and the environmentalists who care more about birds than they do about humans persist in winning this war. ddt works! and yes, there are environmental risks to using it... so if it's so bad, let's find a different strain or another cure, or just use smaller amounts so we can save so many lives.



by the way, don't believe all that you hear about how bad ddt is. it's really not as bad as rachel carson made it out to be in her book a silent spring.


this is just what i'm thinking about. (that picture isn't benjamin, but this little one has the same expression that he did).

i live here.

i live here.
http://www.i-live-here.com

i read some of it in comparative politics class today, instead of listening. (do i usually listen? no.) and two and a half hours later, i'm still sitting in it. it's probably innappropriate to cry in class, so here i sit. with tears in my throat, aching to come out. i looked over my uganda pictures again, looked into their eyes. the fact that i've been to and/or affected deeply by people from three out of the four of the countries documented in this book... kinda gets me.

burma.

malawi (africa).

juarez (mexico).

when ye ye points to burma (myanmar) on my map and says "green!" because it's her favorite color, after taking my hand and laughing and leading me on a tour of my own home...

when philipo, not an orphan, cries desperately to be held... when a six year old girl smashes her hand in a water pump and her family is silent against her screams of pain...

when four trips to mexico during my teenage years changes the course of my life...

when i read this book and i realize that what i want to fight for is right and just and true. and i don't know how to do this. i feel stuck in school... too busy to do what i want to do. i'm scared but so ready to graduate. how can i make money to pay rent and eat and save some for the future (!) doing a job i love and am passionate about? where do i find that? i'm scared of not finding it, and always feeling like i'm moving towards it but never reaching it..........

i don't even know what it is i want. want to do. sometimes i feel like i know nothing.

how to live it out now? i'm tired. and shouldn't be. my priorities are not right most of the time... i wish i could make them right.

would leaving again help me figure it out? should i just go and sit in the red dirt and hold a naked child and figure it out there? i want to. but that's so hard for me. i don't know. i'm scared. and absolutely thrilled.

take me. send me. anywhere.

i love this. it's hard and messy and sometimes i cry and am irrational and sometimes he drives me crazy... but i love laughing and talking and walking and sitting and thinking and dreaming and everything that comes. and i trust God and i'm scared sometimes... of so many different things. but it's ok! i get to see him everyday and we get to explore together and know each other and even though it's hard, i love it.

flowers and dressing up make me feel feminine. but so do children. and he does. and walking barefoot with a skirt on.

sometimes i walk barefoot through the sand in the volleyball courts on campus because i miss the beach.

i love the weekends. they end up being time to do nothing... and homework. i'm totally ok with that.

the leaves are changing. fall is coming. i love getting to be a part of so many different lives... my kids, in all their times of life... i love it. i love when claire sleeps on my shoulder and wakes up crying for only me and the other kids call me their second mom. i'm nowhere near ready to be a mom, but for this time, i treasure that.

i can't wait to live in a little apartment decorated with everything from everywhere... next to a bakery or a little market, and walk around, and buy my food fresh in the mornings, and have big windows, and read books, and survive on doing what i love to do... and live in a home full of love and laughter and open doors.

i love baby muzungu. my car. i'm so thankful that i have her to drive to golden every weekend and sit by the river... to stick my feet in the freezing water to snap myself out of it and realize that all i need is to pray. and i just love driving... with music and without.

"are you tired? worn out? burnt out on religion? come to me. get away with me and you'll recover your life. i'll show you how to take a real rest. walk with me and work with me - watch how i do it. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. i won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly". matthew 11:28-30.

jon foreman... on repeat.

Heavenly FatherYou always amaze meLet Your kingdom come in my worldAnd in my lifeGive me the food I needTo live through todayForgive me as I forgiveThe people that wrong meLead me far from temptationDeliver me from the evil oneI look out the windowThe birds are composingNot a note is out of tuneOr out of placeI walk to the meadowAnd stare at the flowersBetter dressed than any girlOn her wedding daySo why should I worry?Why do I freak out?God knows what I needYou know what I need!Your love isYour love isYour love is strongThe kingdom of the heavensIs now advancingInvade my heartInvade this broken townThe kingdom of the heavensIs buried treasureWould you sell yourselfTo buy the one you've foundTwo things you told meThat you are strongAnd you love meYes, you love meYour love isYour love isYour love is strongYour love isYour love isYour love is strongOur God in HeavenHallowed be Thy nameAbove all namesYour kingdom comeYour will be doneOn earth as it is in HeavenGive us, today, our daily breadForgive us weary sinnersKeep us far from our vicesAnd deliver us from these prisons

colorful colorado

i'm back in colorado. it's sunny and rainy, and i love it. i'm coming to terms with my fickle personality... desperately crave time alone, independence... i love it during the day. but then once the sun sets, my heart grows lonely and i miss my family. i'm thankful for the people in my life that during those times talk to me, let me just sit with them. somehow it's better to sit with someone, doing the same things that i would be doing alone.

i'm getting my vacation right now. three-ish days of no concrete plans... there are many things i could be doing, but nothing that is imminent.

i get up when i wake up, make fruity surprise oatmeal and a pot of coffee, and sit on my porch either reading, enjoying the silence and huge tree, or spying on campus.

laura and i found a farmer's market in golden that happens every saturday morning... new tradition! it's right by the river... and i can get my weekly strawberry fix :)

i also love free things.


...iwanttogobacktoafrica...

it's like a smalltown around here.

i love this.

i love strolling through farmer's market every thursday with friends and family, downing free samples of fruit and delicious treats, haggling for organic strawberries, and buying cheap flowers from isaac.

i love buying strawberries from gerardo at the side of the road on saturday afternoons. (because yes, i have already finished those six baskets of strawberries that i bought two days ago)

i love sitting at canyon coffee and watching everyone on the street greet each other.

i love anticipation. adventures. spontaneity. naps in the middle of the day. rethinking the thoughts that have been the norm for 21 years. thinking for myself.

i love discovering someone. continuing to discover him over three continents and many months. and that's just so far. i love exploring the world with him.

i love that this summer, my parents have been married for 25 years and my grandparents for 50. i have a lot to live up to.

i love that i got to go to africa. and no matter how hard it was, i still am so thankful for all that i experienced and learned. i want to go back, for longer.

i love that i've had the opportunity to travel already. that i've already experienced so much. i love that i'm already looking forward to the next one... but don't worry mom, i'll settle sometime. ...maybe...

i love reading books. books that i want to read, that aren't for class. but i love that most of the books i read for classes are interesting.

i love that i have one more year of college. wow, what's next?

i'm in california. i'm sorry it's been so long since i updated, but life is crazy. full of surprises and dreams and disappointments and excitement.

uganda was... well, i guess just ask me sometime. maybe i'll post pictures to describe it. sometimes it's too hard to use words.

life changes. ups and downs and all-arounds... i'm just glad i get to work with kids that occupy nine hours of my day.

don't worry, i'll post more soon.

hosanna.

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like You have loved me

break my heart for what breaks Your's
everything i am for Your kingdom's cause
as i walk from earth into eternity...

we're up to veinte-uno in flashcards.

thanks to the best spring break road trip ever, i discovered derek webb. all his songs make me think, and remind me of the things that i have already thought.

i want to always live right around the corner from something big... and to be a part of it.

i'm realizing how many opportunities and blessings i really do have... i already have too many things that i could be a part of next year. what a change from last year! it's amazing to invest extensive time in someone, especially kids. i'll be working with the same kids that i've worked with the past two summers again this summer, and i'm finally excited about it. the brady's said that even though i could only work 10 hours next year, they still want me. i love those kids. i love knowing them, and sharing bits of my life with them. i hope that i can teach them something... as they teach me daily.

i draw crappy chalk stick figures, i run barefoot through flowers, i play with rolie-polies (pill bugs? potato bugs? i asked my brit lit teacher today... she didn't know either), i chase boys on scooters with a backpack full of procrastinated homework, i sing loud and proud with open windows to the high school musical 2 soundtrack, i play with barbies, my feet are always dirty, i tie soccer cleats, i stop and smell the flowers, i run through sprinklers... and i love it.

apparently i've had overseas experience. tammy asked me, today, to describe those experiences. i did, and i remembered that i love that i got lost alone in the middle of paris in the middle of the night... that i held my own for three months in spain... that i did it all. that all i had was God. when all that i could cling to was God, i clung desperately. and He was there. He was there the whole time... sometimes it's hard to see Him like that in this context... and sometimes i wish i could go back just to be reminded. and because i miss those places. He revealed Himself in such different ways in every place i've been, and...

i'm getting so antsy to leave for uganda. 20 days. it's been months away for, well, months, but now it's almost here. i'm ready. i can't wait to see how He reveals Himself there, too. to see what happens.

today.

yeah.
this reminds me of the future. is that possible?

i ate this for dinner on monday. they spilled across the counter and i thought of when daniel (7 years old) asked me what the peace symbol on my nalgene was. (today i taught daniel to count to ten in spanish, and we did his flashcards in spanish. and i realized how much of an impact i can have and have had on these kids. and that maybe i could teach them things that their parents can't.)

welcome to colorado in april. the trees are blooming, the robins are nesting, and it is snowing. oh, and i wear flip-flops in the snow now.

i forgot to wear sunscreen yesterday, and am now sunburnt. but it's snowing outside right now... i feel like after a few weeks of summer, i've fallen back into winter. good thing i still get excited about snow, like i did three years ago when i left california for that far off land somewhere north of lakewood.

i am inspired often. by books, by people, by the weather, by what we talk about in class... i love learning. i love being reminded of my potential.

in a few weeks, i'll be 21. and then comes uganda. i'm excited. i wish i could think of better words to use to describe what i'm feeling... it's a very full feeling. after almost a month in uganda (holding babies, playing with kids, blowing bubbles, reading books...), we get to spend a while in amsterdam. i was looking at hostels online earlier, and realized how much i do miss europe. it's part of my heart now. that happens to me, i guess. i wish i could live there again, but this time i would bring someone with me. and then the loneliness would not be there, and i could take europe in fully, and be fully myself. (i really do miss it a lot when i let myself)

music (paper bird at this very moment), coffee brewing noisily, a cup of good earth tea, snow falling softly outside, and a dark apartment.

it smells like a coffee shop in here, and i just realized that that may be one of my favorite smells.

eso es

apparently i just really like creating blogs. i'll start one, post on it once or twice, and then create another one. i'm going to try to stick with this one.

one month from tomorrow, and i've already started to pack. i'm sitting in my living room, looking at my map of the world. it feels good to own that map, for some reason. it'll move with me from home to home...
this year has brought new dreams... many of them. i want to go everywhere. i have no idea what this feeling of preparation is for... this feeling of great anticipation. God is showing me that when I trust Him, He really does do things that I couldn't even have imagined.

i'm listening to anberlin... haven't listened to them in a while. the song "time and confusion" is interesting... and when i say interesting, it's kind of how i'm feeling right now. they're singing the thoughts that i haven't been able to formulate yet.

"It's not about the money we make
It's about the passions that we ache for
What makes your heart beat faster?"
...etc...

i'm thankful. and excited. somedays the excitement turns into worry... but mostly, i'm excited. and trying to learn not to worry so much!

i can't wait...
to explore uganda.
to let children play with my hair.
to hug them.
to read books to them, and then give them those books to keep.
to teach them what i can.
to learn from them what they have to teach me.
to sleep on the floor, encased in a mosquito net.
to love.
to feel my heart expand.
to feel my heart break.
to dance! and sing!
to be dirty.
to find beauty in everything.
to smile.
to cry.
to learn.
to realize.
to plan.
to grow.
to dance in the rain.
to be covered in red dirt and laughter and love.

a song that i listen to over and over again is "do you feel" by the rocket summer. makes me think.

quiero hablar mas español. gracias a los que me hablan en español. me pone feliz.

confio en Dios.